I'm Wanted

If you'd been in our home this past week, it would've been no secret that it was a hard one for me. Overwhelmed doesn't really explain it. Broken, unbelievably crabby, feeling unloved and unwanted (despite it merely being about one person), angry... just a hurt little girl wanting everything to be okay. Poor Mark, Anna, and Eli for having to put up with me. Yet so very thankful that they did even though they didn't have to.

Have you ever been to that place in life where you'd like to just sit down and throw yourself a big pity party? Well, I'm there. I'm at that place where it seems easier to feel sorry for myself than to just bask in how incredibly blessed I am. I'm at that fork in the road where I can either let hurt, disappointment, and anger eat me up and feel sorry for myself or else acknowledge the hurt and run straight to the foot of the cross for refuge. Is this really even a choice? Really even something I have to think about? No. For my only refuge and hope is there. For some it may be just an ugly, disturbing, fictional story, but for me, it's the truest picture of love and hope combined.

"Guilty I fall, Forgiven I rise."

I know I've been pretty evasive as to what's actually occurring in my life at this time. Statements such as "I want my family restored" don't usually offer much explanation, but at times, I feel that no explanation is really needed other than ... life is just hard right now. Then there's just simply wanting to protect my family from any more hurt. Other times I find that there's a freeing'ness about being candid and open, a freeing to ask for help and prayer. I guess, without going into detail, that's where I'm at right now.

I don't know what to say other than divorce is ugly. It's painful for everyone involved, not just the ones absolving their vows. It doesn't matter how old or young we are, how faithful we are, the intentions had or the explanations offered. It hurts. It tears apart what was never meant to be torn apart. It destroys families, hearts, years of guidance that had been given, confidence, faith in commitment, and it crushes children.... this child.

I love my parents. I am who I am because of them. I owe them a lot. But I can't help but wonder who I will be in the future because of this. What it means for me and my brother and sister. What it means for my precious Anna and Eli and my sweet nieces, Rebekah and Morgan.

I feel like a fish out of water. I'm not quite sure what to do but know that being 'out of the water' isn't where I want or need to be. The family I've always known is no longer familiar. It's been replaced with hostility (though one-sided), bitterness, vengeance, and pain. I'm left wanting.... wanting more than what it is.... wanting the familiar back yet knowing it's unlikely, yet still hoping for restoration for my family. I feel like my life has been put on the back burner because too much is going on for it to take precedence. Attempts to truly know me, to know Mark, to know Anna and Eli, have all been thwarted because of something God never intended to be. I don't feel as wanted, as loved. And while I hope these are just feelings, I still feel that way.

Psalms 27:10 - "When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the Lord will take care of me."

As part of a New Year's Resolution, I've been reading through the Bible. It's been a really interesting and blessed time each night, yet at the same time, I've been facing more opposition than ever. I know this past week has been part of that very opposition. But despite all the spiritual attacks, I've experienced God's presence more than I ever have. And during this time in my life, it couldn't be more needed.

Yesterday was one such day. I was feeling particularly vulnerable and weak. As soon as I walked into the sanctuary, I felt Him with me. I don't know how to explain it, I just knew He was. As part of a series leading up to Easter, we were observing the Lord's Supper. It was the most Spirit-filled time of remembrance that I recall ever being a part of. God kept speaking to me throughout the whole thing. It was as if He were sitting right next to me, whispering softly in my ear: "I'm still here." What love He must have for us, for me, that He would knowingly come here with a death sentence. "This is how much I love you."

John 15:13 - " Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends."

I John 4:10 - "In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His son to be the propitiation for our sins."

Why He would do that for me, I don't know, I'm just glad He did. And He did it for each one of us, knowing long before we were ever even thought of who we would be and what He had in store for our lives. "You were no accident. I wanted you. I still want you. I will always want you."

Jeremiah 1:5 - "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart"

And I sat there holding that little cup of grape juice, tears streaming down my face, feeling so overwhelmed with God's presence in me and around me. I wanted to run.. run from myself, run from the questioning looks, run from all that has been and is going on. "Don't run from me. Run to me. I am your refuge. I am your hope." I sat there amazed at His unending love, His pursuing of me when I no longer know how to pursue Him, and at His mercy to embrace me when I most feel like a lost little girl needing to be surrounded by His forgiving and unfailing arms, to be filled with His grace and gloriously redeemed.

How fitting that I came across this song this morning. One of my favorite groups sings it. It's not been released yet, and I've fortunately only gotten to hear it and see the lyrics because of one of the group members' (Todd) wife's blog. If you wish to hear the song, hurry over to her blog, it's only going to be up one more day since it's not due out until August. I think it so vividly portrays how I've been feeling and I can't wait until August to buy the whole CD!

Unredeemed
(Written by Chad Cates, Tony Wood, Brian Petak)
Produced by Bernie Herms
Sung by Amy Perry and Todd Smith of Selah
CD will be released in August

The cruelest words
The coldest heart
The deepest wounds
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter night
The wasted years
Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are…

Places
Where grace is
Soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled
They may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered
Is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be
Unredeemed

For every choice
That led to shame
And all the love
That never came
For every vow
That someone broke
And every life
That gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all – just

Places
Where grace is
Soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled
They may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered
Is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be
Unredeemed

They maybe unfulfilled
They may be unrestored
You never know the miracles
The father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Unredeemed