You Mattered

My sweet #3,

1 year has passed since we found out I was pregnant with you.  It seems like just a few short weeks ago instead of a year.  With every passing day, I've thought of you.  Thought of what stages you would've been going through.  Thought of whether you'd have been a boy or girl.  What we would have named you.  Then your due date passed and my thoughts changed to how I long to have held you.  To have seen your sweet face.  To have rocked you in the middle of the night while singing the song I chose for you.  How I wish I would've had that chance and that Daddy would've had the chance to pick out your 1st animal.  We've missed your first smile, first laugh, how Anna and Eli would've adored you, all the pictures we would've taken of you.  We've simply missed the chance to be your Mommy and Daddy.

There's a tree in the front yard now in honor of you. It's tiny, much like you would've been.

We recently found that the already small tree had been broken off at the ground level.  Something as simple as a broken tree about did me in because it was all the more reminder that your life was taken from us.  And the one thing we have of you was broken.  Broken.... much like I feel.

But what I haven't missed is the opportunity to have not let your brief life be in vain.  Yes, we lost you, but because of this loss I'm different.  There are a lot of people who believe that faith is easy to come by.  It's not.  At least not for me.  After losing you, it was the first time I really had to sit back and say, "Can I still trust You God?  Do my circumstances affect my beliefs or only make them stronger?"  It took me awhile to answer that.  I was mad at God.  But what He showed me is that I can trust Him.  I can trust Him in the mountains, in the valleys, through the good days, and through the storms.  He is trustworthy.

It's why I've chosen to focus on the day we found out about you instead of the day we lost you.  Because your life mattered.  Please know that it will have always mattered and in some small yet profound way, I'm better because of you.

Love,

Mommy