To Our Son

To Our Son,

Although I haven't yet held you in my arms, I love you.  I don't yet know what color your skins is, what color eyes you'll have, or how old you'll be when you get to us, but I love you anyway.  I lay in bed at night wondering where you are.  If you're okay.  If you're being abused, neglected, or mistreated.  I wonder about your parents and although their mistakes are what will bring you to us, my heart aches for them.  Because our gain is their loss.

We're filling out paperwork.... and more paperwork.  We're taking classes and doing homework.  We're conforming our house to all the required standards.  We're childproofing and making plans for bunk beds and extra car seats, a double stroller, and another highchair.

We're waiting for you with such expectation that every time I think about it, my heart is overwhelmed with joy and anticipation.  You have a big sister, a big brother, and depending on how old you are, another (big or little??) sister who are beside themselves waiting for you to make it home... to our home.... your home.

And then there's us.  Mom and Dad.  I'm not naive enough to think you won't like us at first or that this is going to be a piece of cake.  I know you'll want your mom back or else your foster mom.  But I'm hoping that in time you'll know just how very loved you are.  That before we even got you, we were praying for you.  We pray for your safety.  We pray that wherever you are, that you're being loved and cared for.  We pray for your foster parents, because just like your birth parents will lose you, so will your foster parents.  We pray for them.  We pray that we will be good parents to you, that you will know and feel true love.  We pray that you will be our son and not the adopted kid.

We love you.

I sit in classes, watching a video for parents who've had their children removed and what they have to do to get them back.  And as they give a fake date to prove a point, my heart sinks.  January 5th.  They lost them on January 5th... our sweet #3's due date.  And the lump in my throat swells until I think I might start crying in the midst of strangers.... because I can't lose you.

They say we could change and do Foster to Adopt instead of just straight Adoption, but I can't.  I know that might mean we would solely raise you from the time you're removed but it also means that I will love you and they could take you away.  So I can't.

Instead, I will wait.  I will trust the Father with your life.  I will wait until all parental rights have been terminated and you are free for adoption.  And for that, I'm sorry.  I just can't take another loss.  I do hope one day you'll understand that.  But what I do know is that you're safe in the Master's hands.  He will bring you to us when the time is right.

And we so very much hope that time is soon.

We can't wait to see you.  I can't wait to hold you in my arms and shower you with all the love, hugs and kisses that you should've gotten over your short lifetime but haven't.  I can't wait to choose a song for you like I have all our other children.  I can't wait to see which animal Daddy will choose for you.  I can't wait to see how much Anna, Eli, and Emilee will love you.

So, you see, while we don't yet have you in our arms, you are still so very much loved.  Just like we prayed for our other children while I carried them in my womb, we pray for you.  And just like we pray for our children each and every night, we now pray for you too.

You are ours.

And you are so very loved.

XOXO,
Mommy